Yeah, we know it’s coming so let’s just take a minute, downward dog it out and breathe. Do you REALLY want to be Michael Phelps for Halloween? We know, he just won 8 gold medals, is the current American pop icon and might secretly be the 4th Jonas brother, but that’s now. A lot can change in 2 months.
Right now it seems really tempting to buy those $9 goggles from Sports Authority, browse online for those body-length Speedos, and start thinking of how you can get the letters P-H-E-L-P-S on a swim cap. It’s easy, but we won’t tell you how because we’re not going to allow this to happen. We’re not going to let you be Michael Phelps for Halloween.
We can see it now: Girls and boys gathered around a keg from NYU to Pomona dressed as Sexy Barack Obama, Sexy John McCain, Ironically Sexy Hannah Montana, and Michael F’ing Phelps. It’s a confluence of circumstances too tempting for the average “Brah-Man-Dude” (BMD) to pass up. If you spend that much time at the gym, that much money on Men’s Health subscriptions and that much 2% milk to mix with your whey protein why would you not capitalize on that investment with a Halloween costume that will allow you to be shirtless while still culturally relevant?
An obvious answer would be “taste,” but let’s be real here. We’re dealing with Halloween and the type of people who like to dress up for Halloween. “Taste” hasn’t factored into their decision making process since they had to choose what Tasti-D-Lite cone to get for their Kappa Kappa Girlfriend after the Kappa Sigma formal at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago.
If you want to be a true Balla’weener think one step past the competition. Everyone’s going to be Michael Phelps and who wants to compete with a bunch of BMDs indicating their D’Angelo V with their hands all night? See their Shirtless Oneder and raise them a meta pop culture reference. What is a Michael Phelps costume but a deconstructed Aquaman suit? Ipso facto, Adrian Grenier. Ipso facto Williamsburg t-shirts. Ipso facto, you. So why mess around this Halloween season? Wear the best costume of all, yourself. You’re already the Shirtless Oneder, and you don’t even know it.
Further Modern Jackass Reading