Blue Got Served: The Greatest Hits of Palin’s RNC Address

Palindrones?

Palindrones?

During her keynote address last night at the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin delivered a fusillade of well-crafted bromides into the unctuous heart of the Democratic campaign.  With wit and “aw-shucks” naivete she cast herself as a denizen of proverbial Middle America who couldn’t quite understand what all this buzz around Obama was about.  When we went through our phone last night during the speech to text message our friends about the frighteningly adept performance taking place on our television sets we only received texts in response that read “Can’t Watch.  2 Painful.”  Well, close but you were one letter off, Ann.  That shit was 2 PaLinful.  So for those of you who missed Sarah Palin’s womanifesto last night we’ve broken down some of her more notable barbs.  Yao, Demobrats.  Get served after the jump.

“I accept the challenge of a tough fight in this election… against confident opponents … at a crucial hour for our country.”

By confident she means arrogant sumanabritches who believe their victory is a forgone conclusion.  Palin begins her speech casting her and McCain as under dogs in a grim battle for our souls.  The hushed, enclosed atmosphere of the convention hall is in sharp contrast to the crowd of 80,000 at Invesco Field and imbues this speech with a sense of quiet urgency.

“Our nominee for president is a true profile in courage, and people like that are hard to come by.”

A reference to John F. Kennedy’s 1956 Pulitzer Prize winning book, Profiles in Courage, about 8 senators who crossed party lines to act on behalf of their country.  A subtle yet poignant jab at the Democrats for their ostentatious coronation of Obama as the next heir to Kennedy’s Camelot.

“He’s a man who wore the uniform of this country for 22 years, and refused to break faith with those troops in Iraq who have now brought victory within sight.  And as the mother of one of those troops, that is exactly the kind of man I want as commander in chief. I’m just one of many moms who’ll say an extra prayer each night for our sons and daughters going into harm’s way.”

Palin not only reminds us of Obama’s pessimistic stance against progress in Iraq but also defines the President as first and foremost Commander in Chief, a position John McCain is capable of holding because of his extensive military experience.  Somehow the Republicans make this argument of military service as a desirable quality of a President far more effectively than the Democrats did with Kerry in 2004.  And it’s easy to imagine how comforting it is for mothers with sons and daughters serving in Iraq and Afghanistan to have a woman going through the same torture serving so close to the President.

“You know the difference between a Hockey Mom and a pit-bull?  Lipstick.”

Hehe.  I get it.  Kind of.  This is more impressive for being extemporaneous than for being funny.  But seriously, is it funny?

“To the families of special-needs children all across this country, I have a message: For years, you sought to make America a more welcoming place for your sons and daughters.  I pledge to you that if we are elected, you will have a friend and advocate in the White House.”

Yeah, you could get specific and talk about how Republican administrations are responsible for reducing services for special needs patients available through Medicaid, but this is an emotional statement and undoubtedly attracts more than alienates prospective voters.

“Throw in his [her husband Tom’s] Yup’ik Eskimo ancestry, and it all makes for quite a package.”

A woman making a dick joke about her husband gives everyone a smile.

“A writer observed: ‘We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty, sincerity, and dignity.’ I know just the kind of people that writer had in mind when he praised Harry Truman.  I grew up with those people.”

Though we can’t find to which writer she’s referring, the Truman reference alone is mind-bendingly incredible on too many levels to even deal with.  First, Truman was a Democrat that served after that other Democratic hero, FDR, so points for a bipartisan homage.

Second, Truman was a wartime President who had to make difficult decisions like using nuclear (new-clear?) force against Japan and instituting the policy of Containment against the Soviet Union, which later led to the Cold War, an altercation Republicans would love to reinvigorate since it provided most of their platform from Nixon to Regean to Bush to Bush.

Third, Truman was a folksy man from Missouri with Midwest appeal.  He spoke in aphorisms and stood in contrast to liberal elitism.

Fourth, Truman famously defeated Thomas Dewey in the election of 1948, an unlikely victory that has become legend and rallying point for all under dog politicians.  By identifying herself with Harry Truman, Sarah Palin defined herself in opposition to Barack Obama – prepared to be President in time of war, folksy, conservative and hawkish in the realm of foreign policy, and the David to Obama’s Goliath.  Reshaping the campaign debate with Barack Obama cast as the institutional foe is just one of the many brilliant accomplishments of Sarah Palin’s speech.

“[Small Town People] They love their country, in good times and bad, and they’re always proud of America.”

Whoa, a jab at Michelle Obama and her infamous statement that her husband’s candidacy has made her, for the first time in her life, proud of America.  The conservative media branded her unpatriotic as a result of the statement, a label she had to directly address during her keynote address at last week’s Democratic National Convention.  In Sarah Palin McCain has found a Vice Presidential nominee who can go after the first lady without appearing indecorous or belligerent.  Chick’s good.

“When I ran for city council, I didn’t need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and knew their families, too.”

A jab at the Presidency of Bill Clinton, and by extension Democrats and all “professional” politicians, who notoriously polled heavily on topics ranging from the mundane to the momentous.

“And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job involves.  I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a “community organizer,” except that you have actual responsibilities.”

The willful ignorance of the Republican party demonstrated by these condescending attacks on community organizing is simply mind-blowing.  But they’re effective.  What swing voter knows or cares what community organizing is?  It sounds like rabble rousing.  If Obama picked Biden to be aggressive against McCain, then McCain’s responded by selecting a VP who’s coming out swinging against Obama and landing more than a few punches.  Yeesh, this chick’s going to win hearts, minds and elections.

“I might add that in small towns, we don’t quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they are listening, and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren’t listening.  We tend to prefer candidates who don’t talk about us one way in Scranton and another way in San Francisco.”

Dude is bringing it!  Even we here in the MoJaMa offices stamped our feet and rattled off high-pitched “Daaaaaaaaaaaaamns” when Palin referenced Obama’s famous miscue.  The alliterative allusion to Scranton, in swing-state Pennsylvania and birth place of Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden, as the intuitive oxymoron to San Francisco, where Obama made the remarks, is enough to give David Gergen a chubby in his chinos.

“As for my running mate…”

Is this chick running for President?  Because I’m pretty sure she just referred to John McCain, who sits atop the ticket, as HER running mate.  President Palin.  Sounds frightening and very, very possible.

“While I was at it, I got rid of a few things in the governor’s office that I didn’t believe our citizens should have to pay for.  That luxury jet was over the top. I put it on eBay.”

Hiiiiiiiiiiiilarious.  I can’t wait for Frances McDormand to play her in a movie and kill with this line.  I can’t imagine anything more folksy and anti-establishment than a woman talking about ethics reform as Governor of a state, smiling, shrugging her shoulders and saying she put the private jet on ebay because it was just so extravagant and unnecessary.  “Don’tcha know how many caaaaans of Aaaalpo that could purchase?”  How Kristen Chenoweth (pause).

“With Russia wanting to control a vital pipeline in the Caucasus, and to divide and intimidate our European allies by using energy as a weapon, we cannot leave ourselves at the mercy of foreign suppliers.”

F you, haters who think I don’t know anything about foreign policy.  Granted it’s easier to take a hard line stance on defense since diplomacy requires so much nuance, for which a campaign has no time, but Palin came out clear with her national security intentions when it comes to the conflict between Georgie and Russia.  Who’d have thought the War on Terror would segue so nicely into the War for Energy?  That’s some apocalyptic shit.

“Starting in January, in a McCain-Palin administration, we’re going to lay more pipelines … build more new-clear plants …”

What is a “new-clear plant”?  I thought she said nuclear but in the transcript it’s written as new-clear.  Could it be the use of a homonym to publicly express one stance while surreptitiously speaking to the base?  That’d be bad ass and soooo Palinful.  This whole section is all about how America needs to be energy independent and the best way to accomplish that is to drill domestically for oil and gas, presumably in ANWAR, which Palin seems to tacitly endorse when she says, “And take it from a gal who knows the North Slope of Alaska: we’ve got lots of both [oil & gas].”  This really riles up the RNC crowd as they rekindle a chant exhorted by Rudy Giuliani earlier in the evening, “Drill, Baby Drill!  Drill, Baby, Drill!”  Yeah, it was so real it was surreal.

“But listening to him speak, it’s easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform – not even in the state senate.”

I’m not sure how Palin’s choosing to define “major law or reform,” but one can assume she’s casting her record of sweeping reform in opposition to all his darn book-writing.

“This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting, and never use the word “victory” except when he’s talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed … when the roar of the crowd fades away … when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot – what exactly is our opponent’s plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he’s done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger … take more of your money … give you more orders from Washington … and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world. America needs more energy … our opponent is against producing it.”

Oh.  My.  Gad.  Did she…I mean…She really…What just…Sheeeuuuut.  I don’t know if Sarah Palin can count as a female Vice Presidential nominee if she has the NUTZ to say things like that.  She went from “Obama is soft on war” to “Obama is a self-aggrandizer who puts himself before the country” to “Obama’s all flash and no substance” to “Obama thinks he is the Messiah” to “Obama is a typical Democrat who will expand the size and role of the federal government” to “Obama will take your money” to “Obama will rob you on a dark street like black people are prone to do” to “Obama hates America” to “Obama hates you” to “We need to drill for more oil anywhere and everywhere we can.”  Hands down the climax of the speech and by far its most bombastic moment.

“Al Qaeda terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America … he’s worried that someone won’t read them their rights?”

Democrats have bigger vaginas than me, she’s saying.  Baller o/’.

“In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers.  And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change.  They’re the ones whose names appear on laws and landmark reforms, not just on buttons and banners, or on self-designed presidential seals.  Among politicians, there is the idealism of high-flown speechmaking, in which crowds are stirringly summoned to support great things.  And then there is the idealism of those leaders, like John McCain, who actually do great things. They’re the ones who are good for more than talk … the ones we have always been able to count on to serve and defend America.”

And that gravy train just keeps on flowing.  Go on, Sister Act.  You ain’t got soul but you’s a Soldier.

“My fellow citizens, the American presidency is not supposed to be a journey of “personal discovery.” This world of threats and dangers is not just a community, and it doesn’t just need an organizer.”

Wow, she just called Obama an emo batch and stopped just short of saying, “Yeah, I said it and I’ll repeat it.  Why don’t you go journal about it in your third memoir and call it ‘Dreams of My Daddy’ ’cause that’s what I am.  I’m your womb daddy, Hussein.”

And there you have it, a point-by-point breakdown of everything that made Sarah Palin’s speech last night more epic than ever could have been imagined.  When you’re weeping into your arugula latte this January, watching Chief Justice Roberts swear McCain into office and wondering where it all went wrong, look no further than right here.  With this scathing lambaste of the Left and simultaneous appeal to America’s Heartland, Sarah Palin has created a cultural landmark that all Democrats will some day be able to point to and say, “Ah yes, that’s when we got served.”

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