Correction: Matt Cassel Actually Enormous Douchebag

Remember last week when we ran a story about Matt Cassel’s surprisingly poised debut for the New England Patriots, indicating that he may be able to lead his team to victory in the wake of Tom Brady’s season-ending injury? Well, the Modern Jackass team would like to make the following addendum to that story: upon further review, it turns out that Matt Cassel is an ineffectual dunderhead, and will subsequently be responsible for the end of the Patriots’ dynasty as the best team in the NFL.  We here at Modern Jackass sincerely apologize for any confusion we might have caused with our initial position indicating that Matt Cassel is anything but a festering pile of elephant poo.

When empires fall, they tend to fall hard, and yesterday’s disgraceful outing at Gillette Stadium was no exception.  The mighty Pats, having not lost a regular season game since November of 2006, were handily routed 38-13 by the Miami Dolphins, a team that went 1-15 just last year.  But instead of fiddling while Foxborough burned, Matt Cassel fumbled stupidly like an infant discovering his dick for the first time.  The same qualities that just last week seemed thoughtful and admirable for a replacement quarterback this week became frantic, desperate, and inept.  While I commended Cassel for his cautious passing game last week, this week I marveled in disbelief at his inability to throw anything but piddling slip screens at the line of scrimmage.  What seemed like quiet concentration on the sidelines last week became the vacant, empty-headed staring of a frat-boy doofus incapable of motivating his teammates.  When the reality of the impending defeat set in sometime around the time Ronnie Brown scored his fourth or fifth touchdown, it was even more gut wrenching to watch Cassel repeatedly scramble in the pocket, only to be sacked or, if he was lucky, pick up about a yard before getting taken down by approximately eight defenders, the football rarely leaving his hand.

To be fair, New England’s defense yesterday looked like it had been bussed in from a geriatric facility in East Mansfield, but that doesn’t quite alleviate the despair I felt while watching Matt Cassel flounce about like an effete dandy, ending drives after four downs as efficiently as Miami was able to mercilessly run up the score.    Unless Cassel spontaneously sprouts some nuts, or we somehow acquire a new QB (Carson Palmer, perhaps?  That dude is too sick to be squandering his talent in Cincy.), it’s going to be a long-ass season.

Thank you for understanding last week’s error in judgment.

8 Responses to Correction: Matt Cassel Actually Enormous Douchebag

  1. Can we retire the term douchebag? I heard someone use it in reference to Craig Kilbourn a bit ago and realized that the entire concept needed to hit the gurney. Like metrosexual. Let’s just throw it on the pop culture pyre. Along with the 2008 Presidential Election and white girls. Oh, did I type that out loud? Kidding Ambers, Amy’s, April’s and Archanas!

  2. rock out with yer clock out, Flav says:

    keep “poo” though, please. Poo is never passé

  3. Dudenation says:

    This may be a bit too soon to call. The Dolphins routinely beat the Patriots. The patriots have something like a .500 record against them over the last 15 years. The dolphins are more or less their achilles heel.

    But then again, I hate the Patriots and hopefully they continue to suck a nut.

  4. Chin9y8302 says:

    I just got done watching Pats vs Colts…And yea I would have to say I’ve seen him play b4 and I didn’t like it one bit. Now would actually have to say this guy really isn’t that good…The man has no fire. He never once threw it down the field until the 4th quarter, but he did fire in that 1 pass that could’ve won the game, but Jabar Gaffney couldn’t hold on to it…*sigh* I mind as well just start watching basketball.

  5. Guest says:

    Matt Cass sucks

  6. NFL films says:

    Matt Cassel sucks. He looks like a baboon but he doesn’t play football nearly as well as one. Any other QB would be connecting for 1st downs and winning more games given the offensive weapons, protection, and play calls he gets in NE. The New England defense may be hobbling with injuries to their starters but they are deep and doing their jobs and meanwhile the offense he has is practically identical to what Brady had to work with last year when they set a load of NFL records. I am not sure if Cassel is a decent guy or not, so I’ll lay off on the d-bag remark, but what the eff has he been doing on the sidelines all these years? Clearly not absorbing anything he’s seen from Brady or viewing tape! Bench his ass, my grandma could read coverages better.

  7. Gipper says:

    Cassel- thorn in my side!

  8. Random says:

    Cassel should go back to high school and play football in the company of his peers. Let’s open the floor for discussion of a replacement- at least until Brady is healthy again. And speaking of Brady and his health- where is he, btw? I guess it’s possible that more R+R will just accelerate his recovery process in hopes of rehabbing him for the post-season, but maybe Cassel would step his game up a bit if Brady were there on the sidelines.

    Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

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