Remember last week when we ran a story about Matt Cassel’s surprisingly poised debut for the New England Patriots, indicating that he may be able to lead his team to victory in the wake of Tom Brady’s season-ending injury? Well, the Modern Jackass team would like to make the following addendum to that story: upon further review, it turns out that Matt Cassel is an ineffectual dunderhead, and will subsequently be responsible for the end of the Patriots’ dynasty as the best team in the NFL. We here at Modern Jackass sincerely apologize for any confusion we might have caused with our initial position indicating that Matt Cassel is anything but a festering pile of elephant poo.
When empires fall, they tend to fall hard, and yesterday’s disgraceful outing at Gillette Stadium was no exception. The mighty Pats, having not lost a regular season game since November of 2006, were handily routed 38-13 by the Miami Dolphins, a team that went 1-15 just last year. But instead of fiddling while Foxborough burned, Matt Cassel fumbled stupidly like an infant discovering his dick for the first time. The same qualities that just last week seemed thoughtful and admirable for a replacement quarterback this week became frantic, desperate, and inept. While I commended Cassel for his cautious passing game last week, this week I marveled in disbelief at his inability to throw anything but piddling slip screens at the line of scrimmage. What seemed like quiet concentration on the sidelines last week became the vacant, empty-headed staring of a frat-boy doofus incapable of motivating his teammates. When the reality of the impending defeat set in sometime around the time Ronnie Brown scored his fourth or fifth touchdown, it was even more gut wrenching to watch Cassel repeatedly scramble in the pocket, only to be sacked or, if he was lucky, pick up about a yard before getting taken down by approximately eight defenders, the football rarely leaving his hand.
To be fair, New England’s defense yesterday looked like it had been bussed in from a geriatric facility in East Mansfield, but that doesn’t quite alleviate the despair I felt while watching Matt Cassel flounce about like an effete dandy, ending drives after four downs as efficiently as Miami was able to mercilessly run up the score. Unless Cassel spontaneously sprouts some nuts, or we somehow acquire a new QB (Carson Palmer, perhaps? That dude is too sick to be squandering his talent in Cincy.), it’s going to be a long-ass season.
Thank you for understanding last week’s error in judgment.