Let’s clear something up right off the bat: we know, you know, and everyone in the whole f’ing country knows that the only reason you’ve made it to Bryant Park is that this season of Project Runway is about two yawns away from being a full-blown nap, and you’re the only thing keeping the viewers interested. And we are not interested in the ugly fifties dresses that you design or that trademark bright red lipstick that, by the way, totally washes you out and makes you a lot less attractive than you could be. No, we are interested because we hate you. We hate your lipstick, we hate your voice and your terrible catty little laugh, and we hate the way you stand on the runway and roll your eyes at Michael Kors. At Michael Kors. Seriously, woman. What the hell is your problem.
Oh wait! We know what your problem is. You tell is what your problem is every single f’ing week. Your life has been soo. hard. You’ve been fighting your whole life, and this experience on PR is just one more fight in the battle that is the existence of Kenley Collins. Please, please, tell us more. Tell us about how hard it is to be a 25-year-old white girl from a loving family in Florida competing on one of the most popular reality shows on the air. Tell us about how you’ve had to suffer and about the opposition that you’ve had to face, because we’re not gonna lie, Kenley. Unless growing up “on your dad’s tugboat” is some kind of super-secret slang term for growing up “in the Haitian ghetto”, we’re going to have to hold the sympathy for now.
Michael Kors hates you. Nina Garcia hates you. Heidi Klum? Yeah, she hates you, probably because you had an argument with her, Ms. Victoria’s Secret, about where a woman’s breasts are. We’re pretty sure that even Tim Gunn hates you, which really is an incredible feat on your part. We didn’t know that Tim Gunn was capable of hate, but we are positive that he has just HAD IT with your pouty little face and every defensive word that comes out of your sarcastic little mouth.
In fact, we’ve all pretty much had it with everything about you. But we forgive Bravo and the PR producers for leaving you on the show in a desperate attempt to keep the attention of the people. After all, it worked – we’re still watching, if only in hopes of viewing your eventual and inevitable demise. Congratulations on making it to the Final Three of the shittiest season of Project Runway yet; we’re sure you will find it very satisfying when you find out next week that out of a pool of talentless designers, you came in third.