To be totally forthcoming (giggity), we here at Modern Jackass Magasin loathe Halloween. Actually, that’s not totally accurate. Last year we spent October 31st in a run down warehouse under the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway that looked like a set piece from Saw. There Ellis Ashbrook did their prog-rock-glam-jam thing for four hours while Sadman and I threw elbows at 19 year old girls dressed as Bridget Jones and Snarky Spice. That was off the jook. More often than not, however, Halloween costume parties are sad affairs where unoriginality is cherished, prized, encouraged and acclaimed.
For those of you who have more mustard than me and plan to join the ranks of the uninspired this Halloween, we have some tips to get you through that inevitable come down from your Halloween high when you walk into a costume bash to find your Electric Chair Man Mao costume grossly over the heads of your keg-tapping, partying peers. You see, this year’s Gala gallivanting Halloweener is going to have to deal with a phenomenon not seen since the Tom Cruise Tighty Whitey costume craze of 1984. That craze? The Sexy Sarah Palin.
Because not in our lifetime has such an attractive, relevant cultural force coincided with the narcissistic hedonism of Halloween. The girls who didn’t have the body to pull off the form-fitting leather one piece of the Lara Croft Tomb Raider can now simply throw on some Tina Fey frames, unbutton a blouse and rock the Sarah Palin. So easy and timely is the costume in fact that we’re speculating no fewer than 4 people will be dressed as the Republican VP candidate at your 2008 Halloween bash. To make the insipid parade of conformity even remotely bearable for our readers who dread forced epiphanies of humanity’s dirge, we proffer the following suggestions to at least keep yourself entertained among the busty, overabundant bevy of this year’s Sexy Sarah Palins.
The first costume suggestion we have to make your party more enjoyable is the Moose. Dressing as a moose and prancing around the dance floor will not only force all those dressed as Sarah Palin to acknowledge the total predictability of their costume, but also encourage interaction as the crowd begins to chant, “Kill, Baby, Kill!” The Sexy Sarah Palins will have to mime a moose hunt and stalk you around the apartment, bar, club or basement. If you’re a dude, you’ll have just scored an automatic in with at least one of those Sexy Palins, the end game goal for any het-sex this Halloween. If you’re a girl, well, you’ll have just one-upped all of those hair-up hotties and established yourself as Alpha Female, the one to be contended with for the affections of the inevitably in attendance Sexy Michael Phelps.
The second costume you can sport in preemptive response to the Sexy Sarah Palin is to dress as Russia. Again, this will acknowledge your foresight that Sarah Palins would be around in droves this Halloween. It will also provide you that automatic in as you saunter up to a Sexy Sarah and say, “Hey, I heard you’ve been watching me.”
Another option is to dress as Katie Couric. This costume would probably be more appropriate for a woman, but as we know gender-bending is a common theme amongst zany Halloweiners so men are encouraged to try this one, too. The Katie Couric costume not only allows women to compete with the sexiness of Sarah Palin with pencil skirts and thick framed specs, but also allows them to directly challenge the intelligence of any hotty dressed as the Governor from Alaska by asking her to name a specific regulatory suggestion Sen. McCain has made during his career…without belaboring the point, of course.
Death Becomes Her
A fourth and final suggestion we have to party-goers this Halloween is an Undertaker. Not the closeted and creepy Michael C. Hall kind from Six Feet Under but that ominous, threatening kind from the WWF. After all, it’s Halloween and death should be on the mind of all the closely observant. It’s also the end of October which means the election’s right around the corner, and if all goes well Sarah Palin’s campaign for Vice President will soon be dead. Expired and lifeless, bound and broken on the floor; prostrate and prepared for the Undertaker to close the lid on the coffin of her bid for that number 2 spot. Now that’s something we can celebrate this Halloween.