The holiday season begins in earnest in a few weeks, which means a cavalcade of unwelcome rituals: standing in line a lot; smelling your wet coat as the snow from outside melts on it; conversations about why the BCS sucks. If November and December were just about family, fun and Christ, we’d be totally down with the holiday season. Shit, even Hindus like to feel warm and fuzzy inside while a Nor’easter assaults the finish on our decks.
Here’s the problem with ritual, though – it breeds unorginality and cliche. Am I so jaded that I called Christmas cliche? No, what you do in the privacy of your home to celebrate whatever holiday you choose to observe (Happy Diwali, Hindus!) is personal and therefore out of the purview of judgment. Actually, that’s not completely true, but I’ll leave it to my boy Scalia to parse the nuance. What I’m saying is every year we have to deal with the Holiday season and by extension the Holiday Party. Holiday Parties, themselves, have enough packed into them to lace any week leading up to one with anxiety and concern. How much should I drink? Should I wear a tie? If I don’t what will I wrap around my head at 11:30?
Then you have the boys and girls who raise the stakes. Their holiday party needs a theme, and as we all know there are only 4 themes that exist for theme parties.
- Pimps and Hos
- Golf Pros and Tennis Hos
- CEOs and Corporate Hos
- An Ugly Sweater Party
Knowing full well that it makes no difference, I beseech the general public to please, please, please do away with the Ugly Sweater Holiday Party. At the very least, I enlist you, dear reader (Hi, Mom!), to do what you can to discourage those around you from partaking in this painfully plain party performance. Tell them they are transparently unoriginal; tell them every day is an ugly sweater party with their wardrobe; tell them they’re already dressed the part since they are, after all, both ugly and victim to overactive sweat glands. Do whatever you can to communicate to this oblivious orangutan, as they smile smugly and tell you their “greaaaaaaat idea for a holiday party,” that they are unoriginal to the point that it breaks your heart and darkens your prospects for humanity.
They won’t listen. They’ll stare blankly, mentally catalogue which celebrities are currently on the Cleanse, then dismiss you with that eloquent rebuttal, “Whatever.” Perhaps it’s because women can’t be reasoned with. Perhaps it’s because nothing can stand between a woman and a costume party once she has found the perfect outfit she’ll look cute in. Perhaps it’s because we’re creatures of habit. The Holiday Season is nigh, and we warn you of the pending barrage of Ugly Sweater Parties. Do what you can to thwart the onslaught, but ritual is ritual, and there are some things that will never change. Just like the BCS and those who like to talk about it.