Watch out baseball, obesity and racism. Blogging is our nation’s current obsession and within a few years it may even become a prized past time. Everyone’s got blogs. You have blogs, your boss has blogs, your girlfriend has blogs, your friends have blogs. So many people have blogs that we blog anonymously since we know our friends will read about how much we actually dislike them when they see that we linked to them after they check their blog.
With blogging comes the blogging syntax. Blogging syntax is common form these days, to the extent that it provides the updated Sex and the City narration to Gossip Girl. VO has gone from Powerbook tapping introspection to Word Press public opining:
“Spotted: B leaving S’s luxurious Hampton homestead after lunch more than in a tizzy. Could there be drama brewing in this Long Island Iced Tea or has B stepped out for a little Sex on the Beach?”
Blog syntax brings with it blog intent. In the early naughts blogs exploded around a simple concept: The Next Big Thing. This band, this book, this movie, this TV show, this artist is about to be the Next Big Thing. The buzz bin became the blog bin and everyone’s opinion suddenly mattered. Normally this would be a good thing in a democracy, but when an armada of voices rally around the same five things an echo chamber emerges and it becomes a contest of who can build and break hype faster.
Eventually, bands rose and fell in a matter of minutes as bloggers went to their Blogspots and Typepads to gratuitously drop words like “amazing,” “best,” and “brilliant.”
Blogger: Vampire Weekend is the best band of the 90s.
Commenter: That doesn’t make sense. Click here for naked pictures:
Blogger: That’s the point.
What? Exactly. Words and opinions bounce around the blogs so quickly that “news” has been replaced by the “new.” How can you tell how anyone actually feels if they’re just trying to break something before someone else does?
Easy, create a word that allows someone to epxress how they actually feel without the trappings of Blog Syntax or intent. We here at Modern Jackass posit for inclusion in the general lexicon a word that will allow you to once more share your opinion free from the accusations that you are trying to one up anyone else – NFB. It means Not for blog, what I’m saying is expressly for our conversation and reflects no deeper agenda to be cool. At one point it would have been referred to as being “Real” or “Honest.” Unfortunately, we live in a time when these terms have become relative and can’t decipher whether someone genuinely likes the new Coldplay record.
Here are some examples of the ways you can drop NFB:
Yo, have you heard of this new band called Metal C*nt? They’re actually pretty good. I’m serious, NFB.
Dude, check out this new dumpling restaurant. I swear I didn’t read about it on Grub Street.I’m not even playing, NFB.
I love John Mayer, NFB.
Not for blog. It’s for the rare occasions you’re having a real conversation and you feel the need to genuinely convey yourself. Let me know how it works out since being real isn’t really my thing. After all, that’s why I blog.
And F rewrites. Straight form the dome like the Twins at a home game.