Dear Roland Burris: Goodbye. Signed, Your Incredulousness

January 5, 2009

Dear Roland Burris,

This is your Incredulousness.  Listen, I’m just writing to say thanks but no thanks, I think I’m out on this whole Blagojevich Senate appointment deal.  I thought it could work, you know, because of the 20 years worth of experience or whatever to go on, but it turns out people really are serious about this

We had some great times.

We had some great times.

Blagojevich, um, situation and I’m really finding it…it’s just been really hard to do my job under these circumstances.  I mean I can stick around and keep your eyebrows raised like maybe on a project-to-project basis, but I don’t really fuck around with freelance, pardon my French, and I really gotta keep my hours down so I can start collecting unemployment.

But can I just say on the way out that you really just shouldn’t treat political postures that way.  We’re good at what we do, but you hang us out to dry like you did to me and we will turn on you.  I’m just saying, don’t test us.  That’s all I’m saying.  I was glad to chip in on those surprised looks when they asked about Blagojevich’s investigation.  I could’ve kept helping you sound righteous when they pointed out your firm’s large contributions to Blago’s “lawn sale-style” Governor’s office.  I even could’ve helped your old-man speech impediment come off as underdog-ish with a couple of chuckle-scoffs in the right spots.  But when you played the race card you might’s well have slapped me in the face and told me to pack up my stapler.  No no no I understand.  I’m sure you’ll be better off without little old me.

So don’t worry about it, I won’t make a scene on my way out or something.  I really wish you and your Minority Shrug all the best.  I know he really has a way with some the right people in the right places, so… a pretty awesome guy to have around, no doubt.  I wasn’t really getting a chance to show my stuff with you anyway.  I’m sure there are tons of other innocent politicians who could use my help.

Or maybe I’ll just look for a new gig, go public or something, help out the people who are watching you on TV during your trip to Washington this week.  Whatever.  I filled out an application online with Obama so I’m sure he’ll need me on his team somewhere.  Just waiting to hear back from them is all.

Anyway, all the best.


Bail Out Fall Out: Partisan Failure or Bipartisan Success?

September 30, 2008
The Dow fell more than 700 points on Monday, but does it even matter?

The Dow fell more than 700 points on Monday, but does it even matter?

Well, America, the first iteration of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act (EESA) failed in the House yesterday, and the news outlets are aflame with speculations of why this happened.  Republicans blame a vitriolic, partisan speech on the House floor by Speaker Pelosi before the start of voting on the bill.  Democrats blame sensitive Republicans who place personal feelings above the welfare of the country’s financial system.  The elite blame Main Street and Main street blames the elite.  You blame Congress and Congress blames you.

It’s true.  We’re to blame.  The House of Representatives, with elections every 2 years instead of 6 like its supposedly more conscientious and prudent sibling the Senate, closely reflects the temperament of the nation.  A “yay” or “nay” vote by a member of the House out of sync with the sensibilities of his or her constituency would threaten reelection.  Congress isn’t to blame for this fiasco; they were only doing our dirty work.  This bill failed because it should have.  Its hasty construction and vague specifics offended parties on both sides of the aisle.  The bail out didn’t fail because of partisan rancor.  It failed because of an emergence of a bipartisan coalition that collectively said “No.”

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