Very Superstitious: Obama, McCain, Statistics, and Quack Science

November 4, 2008
Will the sales of this mask determine our next president?

Will the sales of this mask determine our next president?

According to NFL statisticians, the outcome of the Washington Redskins’ last home game before a presidential election has correctly predicted the outcome of 18 of the last 19 elections (the one exception was the past election in 2004). According to legend, if the Redskins win their final home game In Washington before the vote, the incumbent party’s candidate will take the election. If they lose, the challenger wins. This formula means things are looking good for Senator Barack Obama, as the Skins got handily routed by the Pittsburgh Steelers last night. After the jump, some more examples of superstitious presidential predictors that have turned out to be, inexplicably, pretty darned accurate:

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Obama Attacks Palin; McCain Goes After Biden?

October 29, 2008

Traditionally in American politics, it is uncouth for a Presidential candidate to directly attack the Vice Presidential nominee of the opposing ticket.  Though this election season is many things, traditional it is not.

Wednesday morning the Obama campaign revealed a new ad attacking John McCain’s knowledge on economic issues.  Toward the end the ad includes an image of Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin winking during her debate with Sen. Joe Biden.  John McCain knows little about the economy, the ad says, and in 2007 he said he would choose a Vice President who could compensate for this deficiency.  His choice?  Winking Sarah Palin.

Not one to turn the other cheek, McCain today released his own ad attacking the “character” of Obama’s VP selection, Joe Biden.  With less than a week until the election, it appears the McCain campaign has forgone the October surprise and brought out the big guns, the kind that can get you rung up on weapons charges in Atlanta.

McCain Attack: Does Joe Biden Pal Around With Rappers?

Palin SUCKED at Thursday Night’s Debate; Media Too Afraid to Say So

October 5, 2008
Hey, CNN.  With all those computers and headsets can you Google the veracity of claims made by Gov. Palin and Sen. Biden?  Oh, you're too busy polling people less informed than me?  Okay.  Cool.

Hey, CNN, with all those computers can you Google the veracity of claims made during the debate? Oh, you're busy polling people who know nothing? Cool.

We know the Vice Presidential debate was last Thursday.  We know we forfeited our right to have any opinion on it by drinking too much American Ale during the debate and staying up till 6 am with our buddy’s sister talking about Rahmin Bahrani and the “worth” of the “actor.”  It’s not that we were intentionally shirking our responsibilities to our reader; we simply recognized our limited role in this circus and deferred to the authority of the major news outlets on the matter.  We’d talk about Jenny Lewis or sleep-in and refuse to post in the interim.

Little did we know that actual media outlets on the other side of respectability and legitimacy would completely drop the ball.  Now, on a Saturday night, WE have to take the time out of our busy plan of waiting for SNL and provide some much needed insight on what has become yet another squandered opportunity for the media to take control of this godforsaken Presidential race.

We don’t watch spin.  We hate spin.  We want to take spin behind the Petco on Bluemound Ave. and play “Buttons” by the Pussycat Dolls until it dies of mind trauma.  We watch the Vice Presidential and Presidential debates, mix and match beers, wine and chasers, turn off the TV, talk about our feelings until sunrise and then sleep until Jeopardy at 7 PM the next day.  We suggest you do the same because if there’s anything worse than sitting through an hour and a half debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin it’s having that entire accomplishment insulted by the offensively glib pundits who storm your screen afterward.  Sarah Palin crashed and burned during that debate, and the media doesn’t have the wherewithal to tell you why.

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Drill, Baby, Drill: Sarah Palin Murders the Game* at RNC, Don’t Juneau?

September 4, 2008

We here at Modern Jackass Magasin would like to be the first to bid happy trails to the 2008 Presidential campaign of Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden.  Following Gov. Sarah Palin’s keynote address at the Republican National Convention on Wednesday evening it became clear that the Democrats had no chance whatsoever of defeating Palin and her running mate Senator John McCain during the general election in November.

It was a good run, Jobama, but there is absolutely no way you can respond to Palin’s family narrative and partisan attacks. She played up Sen. McCain’s military service with the same vigor the Republicans attacked Sen. Kerry’s in 2004.  She denigrated Sen. Obama’s experience as a community organizer with twice the efficacy of former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani.  In short, she kicked ass and Juneau it.

Thanks to Gov. Palin’s inspired words Wednesday Energy Independence will replace Health Care as the moral imperative of this year’s election.  Thanks to Gov. Palin age-old Republican cliches like, “The Democrats will tax you to death and build a bureaucracy on your grave” will trump any specific policy intiative Obama-Biden put forth in defense of their agenda.  Thanks to Gov. Palin the Republicans will retain control of this country’s executive branch and as a nation we will once again laugh at the silly liberals who thought things could be any different.

Godspeed, Senators Obama and Biden.  Pack away your aspirations to hold the Oval Office at the same film studio that houses the decorative Roman columns that stood behind you at Invesco Field.  There’s a new woman in town and her name ain’t Hillary.  It’s Sarah Palin.  But you can call her the next Vice President of the United States, and Juneau it.

* As far as we know, hip-hop artist The Game is alive and well.  His new album LAX is available in stores now.

Editor’s Note: We wasn’t going to but we’d like to publicly pat ourselves on the back for avoiding any obvious Juneau/Juno puns in reference to Bristol Palin.  Nice job, MoJaMa.

Preemptive Kibosh: The Biden Blunder Headline

August 26, 2008

After Barack Obama announced Senator Joe Biden as his choice for running mate the media lauded the selection but warned of future challenges. “He will put his foot in his mouth once or twice on the trail,” pundits said of the loquacious senator from Delaware. Well, we know it’s going to happen, and we’re okay with that. After all, it’s with fondness we reflect on Sen. Biden’s racial assumptions that the most noticeable contribution South Asians make to America is by opening Dunkin’ Donuts franchises and selling lotto tickets at every Seven-Eleven.

What we cannot tolerate, however, is the “I Told You So” field day the media will have when Biden makes his inevitable gaffe(s). They’ll drive home their smug prose with headlines composed of forced puns and expect us to smile at their wit. Well, we won’t, Mainstream Media and to steal your blunder thunder we’re going to put a preemptive kibosh on any of the following Headlines.

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