Very Superstitious: Obama, McCain, Statistics, and Quack Science

November 4, 2008
Will the sales of this mask determine our next president?

Will the sales of this mask determine our next president?

According to NFL statisticians, the outcome of the Washington Redskins’ last home game before a presidential election has correctly predicted the outcome of 18 of the last 19 elections (the one exception was the past election in 2004). According to legend, if the Redskins win their final home game In Washington before the vote, the incumbent party’s candidate will take the election. If they lose, the challenger wins. This formula means things are looking good for Senator Barack Obama, as the Skins got handily routed by the Pittsburgh Steelers last night. After the jump, some more examples of superstitious presidential predictors that have turned out to be, inexplicably, pretty darned accurate:

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Obama Attacks Palin; McCain Goes After Biden?

October 29, 2008

Traditionally in American politics, it is uncouth for a Presidential candidate to directly attack the Vice Presidential nominee of the opposing ticket.  Though this election season is many things, traditional it is not.

Wednesday morning the Obama campaign revealed a new ad attacking John McCain’s knowledge on economic issues.  Toward the end the ad includes an image of Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin winking during her debate with Sen. Joe Biden.  John McCain knows little about the economy, the ad says, and in 2007 he said he would choose a Vice President who could compensate for this deficiency.  His choice?  Winking Sarah Palin.

Not one to turn the other cheek, McCain today released his own ad attacking the “character” of Obama’s VP selection, Joe Biden.  With less than a week until the election, it appears the McCain campaign has forgone the October surprise and brought out the big guns, the kind that can get you rung up on weapons charges in Atlanta.

McCain Attack: Does Joe Biden Pal Around With Rappers?

Pro-Voice: Abortion & The Unspeakable Fact

October 23, 2008

The following article was submitted anonymously:

This blog could use a shot of estrogen.  So here I go, talking about Lady Issues.

There are some things that are hard to admit.  Like sitting at home on a Friday night watching “The Ghost Whisperer” while drinking a vodka tonic made with clementine vodka and eating Carr’s cheese crackers.  Like seeing the trailer for “Nights in Rodarthe” and planning on seeing it during its opening weekend.  Like knowing way too much about Diane Lane and Josh Brolin’s varied marital disputes.   Like having an abortion.

Ever had one?  I’ve had two.

Flippant?  Sure.  But talk about abortion is generally confined to two manners of discourse:  it is either above your pay grade or it is your exact area of moral expertise.  When in reality, everyone should really just shut the fuck up.  Especially John McCain and Sarah Palin.

No one ever actually talks about abortions because the people who talk about abortions don’t have them, and the people who have them don’t talk about abortions.  Part of this is fear of social stigma and lunatics fire bombing their (my) homes.  But I think it is largely because the choice to have an abortion is not a vote in an election, it is not a national policy referendum, it is an intensely personal decision that confirms and contradicts every single political cliche used to argue for or against it.

If I tell you my story, it is not meant to be representative.  It is simply meant to be illustrative.  And it is because I admire Sarah Palin’s decision to have a baby with Downs Syndrome, but I want her to stop shoving Trig’s face in mine.  It isn’t my business, nor is the fact that I aborted two babies any of hers.  My right to privacy is assaulted every day she denies that privacy to her own choices and family.  Read the rest of this entry »

F*ck the Media: Make Up Your Own Mind Re: McCain-Obama pt. 2

October 8, 2008

Obama and McCain spoke in a town hall environment on issues ranging from the economy to foreign policy.

It’s past midnight on the East coast and those in the “media” are working hard to make sure that when you sit at your desk Wednesday morning you’ll be able to visit a website, scroll through some ads and find out what you thought of Tuesday night’s second Presidential debate between John McCain and Barack Obama.  The headlines will probably say something about McCain not being “aggressive enough” with personal attacks, linking Obama to William Ayers and Rev. Wright; or they’ll call the event lackluster because each candidate stuck to the principles of his platform and didn’t “debate” with his opponent.  Some might even declare the American people the winner for getting to watch an exchange of ideas solely about issues and free from unsubstantiated attacks.

What matters in the end, though, isn’t who “won” or “lost.”  What matters is that the whole affair wasn’t a massively awkward shat show like last Thursday that made us grind our teeth and curl our shoulders in crippling anxiety.  Obama, you were fine.  McCain, you were fine too.  Y’all threw out some talking points, ducked and dodged where you had to and even managed to tackle some extremely interesting questions where your nuances were so refined that law students lit a cigarette after Brokaw’s sign off to bask in the euphoria of parsing through your rhetoric.  What follows isn’t “spin” or even a “take” on the debate.  We obviously won’t know how grossly inaccurate and out of touch the media coverage of the event will be until we read it like you in the morning.  If you want to make up your own mind, though, browse through our “Things to Check Up On” list we kept in real time with the debates after the jump.

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McCain vs. Obama! This Friday Only!

September 24, 2008

Is it just us, or is CNN hyping this Friday’s debate between McCain and Obama like an old boxing match between two heavy-weights?  The young black man vs. the Great White Hope?  Can you imagine how many parrallels a well thought out post could make between Friday’s debate and Ralph Ellison, Richard Wright, Muhammad Ali, George Foreman, and Jack Johnson?  Too bad I’m in a B&B in Maine about to hike through Acadia National Park for the day.  Oh well, the seeds have been sown, you grow the tree of knowledge and pick its forbidden fruit.  We can’t do everything for you.  Who do you think we are, the federal government?  Bail your own shit out.  I got my $700 Billion saved up for a Whale Watching tour in Muscongus Bay.  Late-ah.

Obama, Bristol, Sex & Kindergarten

September 11, 2008

Sex Ed. for Kindergartners? Kind of.

Look, it’s not like we want to be writing about politics.  It’s not like we wouldn’t rather be talking about Ciara’s Vibe spread or how the Strokes’ modal songwriting is vaguely similar to Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue, but no one seems to be talking about the details of the Campaign and how Effen Vodka misleading they are.  So the knuck if you buck must stop here.

Case in point, John McCain’s recent add attacking Obama’s plan for Education.  As our faithful readers will know, we here at Modern Jackass aren’t blind adherents to the unsubstantiated Gospel of Barack.  We think he could do more.  We even identify with certain principles of the Republican party (Gunz!).  It’s not the ideologies that necessarily bother us but the libel the parties throw around disguised as legitimate debate.  In McCain’s attack ad, which we won’t even link to because it contributes nothing to the conversation of education reform, he accuses Obama of helping to pass “legislation that would teach comprehensive sex education to…kindergartners.”

Wow, that’s a pretty powerful claim, we thought to ourselves, and so insidiously misleading that it can’t possibly be true.  Sure, it’s not, but it also kind of is.

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Blue Got Served: The Greatest Hits of Palin’s RNC Address

September 4, 2008


During her keynote address last night at the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin delivered a fusillade of well-crafted bromides into the unctuous heart of the Democratic campaign.  With wit and “aw-shucks” naivete she cast herself as a denizen of proverbial Middle America who couldn’t quite understand what all this buzz around Obama was about.  When we went through our phone last night during the speech to text message our friends about the frighteningly adept performance taking place on our television sets we only received texts in response that read “Can’t Watch.  2 Painful.”  Well, close but you were one letter off, Ann.  That shit was 2 PaLinful.  So for those of you who missed Sarah Palin’s womanifesto last night we’ve broken down some of her more notable barbs.  Yao, Demobrats.  Get served after the jump.

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