During her keynote address last night at the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin delivered a fusillade of well-crafted bromides into the unctuous heart of the Democratic campaign. With wit and “aw-shucks” naivete she cast herself as a denizen of proverbial Middle America who couldn’t quite understand what all this buzz around Obama was about. When we went through our phone last night during the speech to text message our friends about the frighteningly adept performance taking place on our television sets we only received texts in response that read “Can’t Watch. 2 Painful.” Well, close but you were one letter off, Ann. That shit was 2 PaLinful. So for those of you who missed Sarah Palin’s womanifesto last night we’ve broken down some of her more notable barbs. Yao, Demobrats. Get served after the jump.
We here at Modern Jackass Magasin would like to be the first to bid happy trails to the 2008 Presidential campaign of Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Following Gov. Sarah Palin’s keynote address at the Republican National Convention on Wednesday evening it became clear that the Democrats had no chance whatsoever of defeating Palin and her running mate Senator John McCain during the general election in November.
It was a good run, Jobama, but there is absolutely no way you can respond to Palin’s family narrative and partisan attacks. She played up Sen. McCain’s military service with the same vigor the Republicans attacked Sen. Kerry’s in 2004. She denigrated Sen. Obama’s experience as a community organizer with twice the efficacy of former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani. In short, she kicked ass and Juneau it.
Thanks to Gov. Palin’s inspired words Wednesday Energy Independence will replace Health Care as the moral imperative of this year’s election. Thanks to Gov. Palin age-old Republican cliches like, “The Democrats will tax you to death and build a bureaucracy on your grave” will trump any specific policy intiative Obama-Biden put forth in defense of their agenda. Thanks to Gov. Palin the Republicans will retain control of this country’s executive branch and as a nation we will once again laugh at the silly liberals who thought things could be any different.
Godspeed, Senators Obama and Biden. Pack away your aspirations to hold the Oval Office at the same film studio that houses the decorative Roman columns that stood behind you at Invesco Field. There’s a new woman in town and her name ain’t Hillary. It’s Sarah Palin. But you can call her the next Vice President of the United States, and Juneau it.
* As far as we know, hip-hop artist The Game is alive and well. His new album LAX is available in stores now.
Editor’s Note: We wasn’t going to but we’d like to publicly pat ourselves on the back for avoiding any obvious Juneau/Juno puns in reference to Bristol Palin. Nice job, MoJaMa.
Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty Palin comparison to the woman Sen. McCain selected as his running mate today. Gov. Sarah Palin, of Alaska, is a spritely 44 years old, and you know what? She doesn’t look a day over sexy. Sit back, relax and, like Joe Biden, master debate with sexy Sarah Palin.