Fargo-ne Conclusion: Palin Pardons Some Turkeys (censored)

November 21, 2008

What’s it called when an unintentional visual comes together to serve as a metaphor out of nowhere?  I suppose it’s the same principle that underlies every Pullitzer winning photograph – somehow, for some reason, this image means more than the sum of its parts.

Here, Sarah Palin, pardons a turkey then holds a press conference as an unlucky bird meets its fate in the background.  The Republican facade of embracing the ethos of America’s small towns reached the absurd as what played out during the Palin press conference was straight out of Fargo, replete with the Don’tchyanose and wood chipped corpses.  Happy Thanksiving.

Further puns considered for this post:

Fowl Play.

That’s it.

Very Superstitious: Obama, McCain, Statistics, and Quack Science

November 4, 2008
Will the sales of this mask determine our next president?

Will the sales of this mask determine our next president?

According to NFL statisticians, the outcome of the Washington Redskins’ last home game before a presidential election has correctly predicted the outcome of 18 of the last 19 elections (the one exception was the past election in 2004). According to legend, if the Redskins win their final home game In Washington before the vote, the incumbent party’s candidate will take the election. If they lose, the challenger wins. This formula means things are looking good for Senator Barack Obama, as the Skins got handily routed by the Pittsburgh Steelers last night. After the jump, some more examples of superstitious presidential predictors that have turned out to be, inexplicably, pretty darned accurate:

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Hockey Mom / Pitbull (Jockin’ SP Remix) by Southern Mothers

October 28, 2008

Remember when on the Glow in the Dark Tour, ‘Ye played the new beat he made and Jay came out and ripped the first verse of Jockin’ Jay-Z?  Holy shit that was tight!  But yo, something had to be done.  Jay couldn’t even get his Icebergs on ’cause Noel Gallagher was on his nuts so bad.

Well, now it’s pitbulls that are getting jocked like Secretariat.  Fresh off the success of their Olafur Eliasson A Milli remix, Southern Mothers are back to defend Pitbulls against GOP slander.  With seven days until Obamageddon, we ask you, “What’s the difference between a Hockey Mom and a Pitbull?”  Turns out a lot.

Southern Mothers, “Hockey Mom / Pitbull (Jockin’ SP Remix)”

Music: Jockin’ Jay-Z

Lyrics: Southern Mothers

Book: JRB

Vid: Modern Jackass

Pro-Voice: Abortion & The Unspeakable Fact

October 23, 2008

The following article was submitted anonymously:

This blog could use a shot of estrogen.  So here I go, talking about Lady Issues.

There are some things that are hard to admit.  Like sitting at home on a Friday night watching “The Ghost Whisperer” while drinking a vodka tonic made with clementine vodka and eating Carr’s cheese crackers.  Like seeing the trailer for “Nights in Rodarthe” and planning on seeing it during its opening weekend.  Like knowing way too much about Diane Lane and Josh Brolin’s varied marital disputes.   Like having an abortion.

Ever had one?  I’ve had two.

Flippant?  Sure.  But talk about abortion is generally confined to two manners of discourse:  it is either above your pay grade or it is your exact area of moral expertise.  When in reality, everyone should really just shut the fuck up.  Especially John McCain and Sarah Palin.

No one ever actually talks about abortions because the people who talk about abortions don’t have them, and the people who have them don’t talk about abortions.  Part of this is fear of social stigma and lunatics fire bombing their (my) homes.  But I think it is largely because the choice to have an abortion is not a vote in an election, it is not a national policy referendum, it is an intensely personal decision that confirms and contradicts every single political cliche used to argue for or against it.

If I tell you my story, it is not meant to be representative.  It is simply meant to be illustrative.  And it is because I admire Sarah Palin’s decision to have a baby with Downs Syndrome, but I want her to stop shoving Trig’s face in mine.  It isn’t my business, nor is the fact that I aborted two babies any of hers.  My right to privacy is assaulted every day she denies that privacy to her own choices and family.  Read the rest of this entry »

How to Deal With the Glut of Sexy Sarah Palins at Your Halloween Party

October 17, 2008

To be totally forthcoming (giggity), we here at Modern Jackass Magasin loathe Halloween.  Actually, that’s not totally accurate.  Last year we spent October 31st in a run down warehouse under the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway that looked like a set piece from Saw.  There Ellis Ashbrook did their prog-rock-glam-jam thing for four hours while Sadman and I threw elbows at 19 year old girls dressed as Bridget Jones and Snarky Spice.  That was off the jook.  More often than not, however, Halloween costume parties are sad affairs where unoriginality is cherished, prized, encouraged and acclaimed.

For those of you who have more mustard than me and plan to join the ranks of the uninspired this Halloween, we have some tips to get you through that inevitable come down from your Halloween high when you walk into a costume bash to find your Electric Chair Man Mao costume grossly over the heads of your keg-tapping, partying peers.  You see, this year’s Gala gallivanting Halloweener is going to have to deal with a phenomenon not seen since the Tom Cruise Tighty Whitey costume craze of 1984.  That craze?  The Sexy Sarah Palin.

Because not in our lifetime has such an attractive, relevant cultural force coincided with the narcissistic hedonism of Halloween.  The girls who didn’t have the body to pull off the form-fitting leather one piece of the Lara Croft Tomb Raider can now simply throw on some Tina Fey frames, unbutton a blouse and rock the Sarah Palin.  So easy and timely is the costume in fact that we’re speculating no fewer than 4 people will be dressed as the Republican VP candidate at your 2008 Halloween bash.  To  make the insipid parade of conformity even remotely bearable for our readers who dread forced epiphanies of humanity’s dirge, we proffer the following suggestions to at least keep yourself entertained among the busty, overabundant bevy of this year’s Sexy Sarah Palins.

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Palin SUCKED at Thursday Night’s Debate; Media Too Afraid to Say So

October 5, 2008
Hey, CNN.  With all those computers and headsets can you Google the veracity of claims made by Gov. Palin and Sen. Biden?  Oh, you're too busy polling people less informed than me?  Okay.  Cool.

Hey, CNN, with all those computers can you Google the veracity of claims made during the debate? Oh, you're busy polling people who know nothing? Cool.

We know the Vice Presidential debate was last Thursday.  We know we forfeited our right to have any opinion on it by drinking too much American Ale during the debate and staying up till 6 am with our buddy’s sister talking about Rahmin Bahrani and the “worth” of the “actor.”  It’s not that we were intentionally shirking our responsibilities to our reader; we simply recognized our limited role in this circus and deferred to the authority of the major news outlets on the matter.  We’d talk about Jenny Lewis or sleep-in and refuse to post in the interim.

Little did we know that actual media outlets on the other side of respectability and legitimacy would completely drop the ball.  Now, on a Saturday night, WE have to take the time out of our busy plan of waiting for SNL and provide some much needed insight on what has become yet another squandered opportunity for the media to take control of this godforsaken Presidential race.

We don’t watch spin.  We hate spin.  We want to take spin behind the Petco on Bluemound Ave. and play “Buttons” by the Pussycat Dolls until it dies of mind trauma.  We watch the Vice Presidential and Presidential debates, mix and match beers, wine and chasers, turn off the TV, talk about our feelings until sunrise and then sleep until Jeopardy at 7 PM the next day.  We suggest you do the same because if there’s anything worse than sitting through an hour and a half debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin it’s having that entire accomplishment insulted by the offensively glib pundits who storm your screen afterward.  Sarah Palin crashed and burned during that debate, and the media doesn’t have the wherewithal to tell you why.

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Breaking News: Sarah Palin SEAHAWKS FAN

September 29, 2008
The Seattle Seahawks have a large fan-base in its neighbor to the North, including Mr. and Mrs. Palin.

The Seattle Seahawks have a large fan-base in its neighbor to the North, including Mr. and Mrs. Palin.

Not even 12 hours ago we posted our thoughts on Sarah Palin jogging through the streets wearing a Donovan McNabb Eagles jersey in an attempt, we presume, to court votes in Pennsylvania and commiserate with the team that fell to Obama’s Bears on Monday night.  Though we thought it was shamelessly political, we at least understood and respected the McCaign’s appreciation of the importance people place on their football teams.

What we can’t tolerate , however, is hypocrisy.  We speculated that Palin would be a Seahawks fan since many in Alaska are.  We didn’t expect that such an outrageous, inconsequential claim would be verified by a lazy google search that turned up a two week old article from Sports Northwest Magazine.  In that article Seth Kolloen quotes Todd Palin confirming that he and his wife are in fact Seattle Seahawks fans as well as members of the Seahawkers, the team’s official fan club.

Is this the kind of Maverick leadership we can expect from a Palin-McCain administration?  Are we HONESTLY supposed to trust someone who conceals their fealty for a football team for political purposes and willingly wears the jersey of a conference opponent?

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